HOLIDAY SURVIVAL GUIDE
Part 3 of 5: Surviving Family Holiday Dramas
by Lynn Serafinn, MAED, CPCC
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Today we continue our series of tips to help you beat the blues over the holidays:

• Holiday Blues Number 1:
  Seasonal Affective Disorder ("SAD") in 6 Dec issue
• Holiday Blues Number 2:
  Seasonal Illnesses - in last issue on 9 Dec
• Holiday Blues Number 3:
  Family "Dramas" - in today's issue
• Holiday Blues Number 4:
  Stress over Money - coming Sun 27 December)
• Holiday Blues Number 5:
  Feelings of Isolation - coming Mon 31 December
  

TIP: If you want to receive all 5 articles, be sure to subscribe to this newsletter in the green box at the left hand side of your screen.

Surviving Family Dramas during the Holiday Season
For many people, visiting with relatives during the holidays is a wonderful experience, because it allows them to reconnect with loved ones they might not ordinarily see during the rest of the year. But for many others, visiting with parents, siblings and extended family can bring out the worst in us. It's as if we've travelled back in time. We might be the most powerful and respected person in our professional life, but somehow when we are around our childhood families, we change into blithering idiots. By dint of some inexplicable time-warp, we get caught up in the age-old "family dramas" that drive us absolutely batty and leave such a horrible aftertaste when we go back home to our "adult" world. Within minutes, we manage to regress in a juvenile version of ourselves that never shows up under any other circumstances. But what is worse is that we find it nearly impossible to get out of the age-old scripts we have played out since our youth.

Small wonder why I chose to speak about this in a Holiday Survival Guide!

Getting "hooked" into a role
When we get stuck into a family drama, I call it being "hooked." The reason why we get hooked into our family dramas lies in the term "drama" itself. Think of what a drama is. It's not merely a judgemental word; it's actually a very accurate description of what is taking place. A drama is a complex story with complex characters. And our family dramas are no different. When we are hooked, it means we have taken on the role of one of these characters. And, yes, there are cliché roles in which people tend to be cast. In my course "Making Friends with the Monsters Under Your Bed", I identify some of the typical roles people tend to play, such as "the good girl", "the black sheep," "the peacemaker", "the clown", "the bully", "the victim", "the martyr", "the loser", "the rebel", "the misfit", and so many others. Combine these with the added subtleties of our identity as being the only, the youngest, the eldest or the middle child (or girl/boy), and we find we really have created some pretty complex characters for ourselves.

Just as a drama on the stage or screen is dependent upon the chemistry and interaction (even if explosive) between the characters, so are our family dramas. Think of your favourite television drama or soap opera, and reflect on how some characters just can't seem to stop triggering each other, whether passionately, violently or in some other way. So when we find ourselves shouting at someone, "I'm never like this except when I get around you," it's actually true. Our role is like a chemical reaction to the stimulus of coming in contact with another character in the play. Just as a good actor can play many different roles, from villain to lover to hero, with equal expertise when given the right script, so too we play different roles when we are working different "scripts" in our day-to-day lives. But the problem is, family scripts tend to get "written" very early in our development, and unless we become aware that we, and our family members, are all reading from the same old script year in and year out, we are unlikely to rewrite it.

How to stop it?
Well, the very first thing needed is to be able to recognise when you are hooked in a role. Simply by recognising your "default characters" when you slip into them can go a long way to making a shift away from them. How do you recognise it? Basically, if you feel weak, out of control, disconnected, ashamed, inauthentic, misunderstood, or incapable of expressing yourself, you might well be hooked in a role. Anger in and of itself is not necessarily a symptom, because anger can also come from an authentic, self-aware state of consciousness. The key is to be truthful about how connected and loving to your own Self you feel. If you do not feel connected and loving to Self, look deeper to see if you can recognise an underlying role.

Once you recognise and acknowledge you are playing one of your old, disempowering roles, notice what kinds of things trigger you. Don't lay the blame (either outwardly or within your own mind) on another person. Remember: they are just as "hooked" as you are, and if you get entangled in the blame game, you will get nowhere. Instead, take note of the words and scenarios that tend to get you hooked. Really get to know what your triggers are, and take ownership of your reactions to them. It's actually the most empowering thing you can do.

Realigning
Once you start to recognise your role and identify your triggers, the next thing to do is to practise "stepping aside" when triggers might be tossed your way. I call this "realigning." If your "drama partner" hurls words at you that traditionally get you worked up, learn how to watch the words as if watching a film. One strategy I teach my clients is to use an anchoring word like, "STOP!" in your mind when you are on the verge of getting hooked. Silently, tell yourself, "Stop!" Some clients also like to use a hand gesture (like touching their thumb to their middle finger, or lightly touching their solar plexus) to bring them to that place of "stopping". Then, take a breath and mentally step out of the "frame" of this drama, observing it without reacting.

This technique alone can be enough for some, but for others it only delays the outburst until later, because there is so much pent up anger and resentment that it simply has to come out. The aim of stopping is not to make you stuff your emotions or become submissive. It is to give you a breath, so you can bring the situation into your consciousness, and thus give you the ability to take control of your own choices. But if you are really, really hooked into your own drama, it is vital to explore the subtle forces inside of you that keep you attached to the role you play.

Why we cling to a role even if it makes us unhappy
Here's one common example. If we find ourselves locked into a "victim" role or any role where we believe ourselves to be the "wronged one", we might unconsciously be gripping very tightly onto that role because it satisfies a part of our identity. Why in the world would we wish to identify with being a victim? Simple. It makes us "right" and another person "wrong." "But," you might ask, "I am not a mean, vindictive person; why would I want to make someone else 'wrong'?" The answer is because we feel weak and powerless inside. And when we feel powerless, this feeling of being "right" might well be the only glimmer of strength we are able to feel within ourselves. So, it makes perfect sense that we will hold onto this role for dear life because we have become so detached from ourselves we cannot see who we are without it. Basically, we are afraid. We fear our lives, if not our very existence, will become meaningless without the shield of being "right".

And remember, if someone in your life always needs to be right (and it doesn't matter if they are playing the role of a victim or a bully), that person is actually living with great fear. And here's the key: when you can step outside the drama just long enough to see how much fear that person is feeling, you are far less likely to attack them or fear them yourself. And the instant you have stepped outside the drama, even for a second or two, and felt this compassion for the other person, you have begun to rewrite the script of your family drama. And that is when real relationships can begin.

TODAY'S JOY FORMULA:
Turning Family Drama into Joy

Here's a simple Joy Formula for you to try out this holiday season:

• If you are feeling misunderstood, defensive, victimised or out of control, you are probably "hooked". Don't blame yourself or anyone else. Instead, congratulate yourself for recognising it.
• Take note of the "triggers" that get you hooked. Again, don't fall into the blame game. It only gives your power away. Instead, take ownership for what you choose to do with those triggers.
• Use a silent mental anchoring word like "Stop" and/or hand gesture to break your pattern of reacting to the trigger.
• Breathe!
• Mentally step out of the scene and start to rewrite the script. Here are some ideas.
  • Bad script formula: "You always make me feel x, y, z"
  • Bad script formula: "You're always so x, y, z"
  • Good script formulas (in the right tone of voice, of course!): "I hear that you feel a, b, c when I said/did, x, y, z. What would really help me is to know what you would like me to say/do so you don't feel this way" -OR- "When you said/did x, y, z, I feel a, b, c. I would really help me is if you said/did q, r, s."

Note that what you DON'T want to say is that the person "made you" feel a certain way, or that the person is the problem. Focus on specific things the person said or did, tell them how the words or deed impact you (not making it their fault) and tell/ask them for what you want. This way, the person knows exactly what isn't working for you, and you would like from them. Bear in mind that the other person might continue to play out the drama and not react very positively at first. If that happens, just keep rewriting the script. Believe me, if you do it enough times, the drama breaks and you start to speak to each other quite differently.

Being hooked by our unconscious roles and "old scripts" can frequently be so deep-rooted that people cannot easily identify them, even though they know something within them is causing much pain and heartache. The process of moving from unconsciousness to clarity and awareness is beyond the scope of this article, but if you want to explore it further, I do invite you to contact me for a consultation by filling in a request form at http://www.create-a-life.co.uk/free_consultation_request.html

I hope the information in this article has given you some useful tips for achieving greater joy over the holidays when you spend time with your families.

In the next instalment of my "Holiday Survival Guide"
I'll be talking about how to beat the blues of
STRESS OVER MONEY (!) during the Holiday Season.

Again, it's not necessarily what you might think!
Be sure you check it out in a few days' time.

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Warm wishes,

Lynn Serafinn, MAED, CPCC
'Turning up the volume of the music in your heart!'
Transformation Coaching from Create-a-Life
lynn@create-a-life.co.uk

© 2009 Lynn Serafinn at Create-a-Life. All rights reserved.

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